In a Past Life I Was a Magpie

It is a little known fact that I love all shiny things. So much so that I will purposely not listen to you if you are wearing something shiny or sparkling. I will lose 30 minutes of an exam for staring at anything shiny I may have accidently worn or can see in the room. But most disturbingly - if left to my own devices-  I will wear everything and anything shiny that I may have in my possession all at once. This is an affliction not to be taken lightly and to a certain degree it consumes my very being. For example, you may have a ring on your finger, just the one, that you have on everyday. Because  of the many shiny things I have purchased in my time, one is never enough. My entire hand, each finger, is weighted down by many shinys and as many as I can fit. Then there is necklaces, bracelets, headbands, hairclips, makeup, clothes, purses, watches and shoes. By the time I am done I am a disco ball of some description and not only not able to move due to being too heavy I distract myself too much to drive. Then there is the issue of having to work when wearing something shiny. When restrained from the shiny things there is the ongoing danger of shop windows and shiny things. I am almost automatically relieved of any money I may have which is another issue entirely because some money is actually shiny therefore difficult to part with. In conclusion, this is the sole reason that I am late, have little or no money and dress poorly.

Life in a Nutshell

Essentially, life is one thing chasing a smaller thing. Here you may be asking "but that small mouse is chasing the elephant?" Well mice carry disease. And disease is no small thing, it is one of the biggest. Disease chases life. I have not accounted for guns in this equation because bullets are very small things that leave very big holes but are ultimately used by humans. It is a conundrum that I will have to face another time.
Here is an example of the big things that are chasing me.

Life could be a lot worse, for example:

Todays lesson: Friends who let you text and drink are dicks.

Dear Body

Dear Body,

Although you may believe that I am unnappreciative of your efforts to keep me alive, this is untrue. I deeply value my central and peripheral nervous systems and hereby promise to never compramise my body intentionally from now on.

However you must also never make me this sick again. I enjoy losing weight but not by constant vomitting and excretion. Please be advised to the above agreement. Your response will need to make me well within the next 5 hours so that I may sleep tonight.

Yours Faithfully,

Jane Kimber

TODAYS LESSON: ugh. always keep a chuck bucket handy.

Brown Sugar and Minced Meat...mmm

THIS IS MY CAT. HAMSTER.

Tonight, I am home alone. As usual when this rare avent occurs, disaster ensues. Tonight it was in the form of minced meat and sparkling wine.

      Needless to say there is a rather large mess in my kitchen. As I discovered earlier that I am in fact not the culinary expert I believed I was, I am not a very enthusiastic cleaner either. After viewing my drunk father cooking unfortunately an idea was spawned. That apparently brown sugar tastes great when mixed with any form of meat. This idea is false, as the sugar caramelised in the frying pan and made my meat taste like fudge. It may seem like an interesting combination to try, however my bowels have to disagree. The texture was also very strange, my cat agrees with me viemently and she is willing to lick her own ass.

TODAYS LESSON: DO NOT leave me home alone to cook for myself.